The Email...

Ok, I know everyone is tired of hearing about the evil one... I'm tired of it too. But not to long ago I received a message from him. No words, just a few pictures I asked for even before I left Souda.

Now he is not one to forget things, no... he does things with a purpose, he is very deliberate. So I'm wondering what could possibly make him send me the photos now?

Some friends suggest he's making sure that he stays on my mind, only one said it might be because he simply forgot. Again, very deliberate person. There is a reason.

When I saw his name in my inbox I swear my heart stopped beating for a second, not out of excitment, but fear. Fear that this is going to set back any little bit of moving on progress I have made. Fear that this will make letting go of all my anger harder. Fear that I will fall for whatever he has to say.

But there were no words. I racked my brain trying to figure out why... why now? Why today? why? why? why?

Then I heard something did happen, and it is not my place to tell what it is so I won't go into further details.

Then it made sense, his reason was to open up the lines of communication but for a differant reason than the low one I had first thought of. He is hurting.

But now the question is do I respond? I have received overwhelming NO's, and I am leaning towards agreeing with them. This still feels like a game. If he needs me just say you want to talk to me... don't give me some round-about way of opening up communications again then drop a bomb on me! Just tell me!

It was very hard letting go of him. And it continues to be hard. In my goodbye email I literally had one of my best friend talk me through sending it. She was on the phone with me and said "put the arrow over the send button, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and push" And that was that.

Now I'm plagued with the decision to email or not to email. Do I do what is right by him and see how he is? Or do whats right by me and keep my healing sanity intact? I don't do things for myself very much, I think the 7 or 8 months of enduring his hurt, and push and pull attitude has done enough damage. But I still feel guilty and selfish for even thinking about choosing myself over his well-being. I have asked my mom and friends what to do, I have prayed for an answer. I'm very torn and very unsure how to proceed.

Is it best to keep Pandora's Box closed?

-Samantha-