Playing With Fire...

Ok, yes, I am playing with fire... big time!

We all know I'm trying to move on in the relationship world. And I met someone that I need to run as far away from as fast as possible! But those who know me well enough know that the worse something/someone is for me the more I gravitate towards it!

This guy's nickname is Trouble.

As these things always start it was innocent. A little flirting, we play volleyball and softball together and bowl on the league team. We email at work, (he works in our admin dept) and when he's not at his desk I sneak in and leave post-its with goofy faces drawn on them. Its just nice to have someone to flirt with, and who will flirt back. Especially after the giant emotionall blows I've had, and now continue to have. (I swear, as little boys you were all taken into a room and a chip was implanted in your heads that lets you know when a significant ex is doing well!) So yes confusion continues...

One question is... How old is to old? He is 13 years older than me. A complete sweetheart, has a great smile, and I enjoy talking to him. But there are SO many reasons I need to run away! But I can't! The "safe" thing to do is not what I like to do! I feel that in the battle of love and war there is no point to it if you're not going to take risks!

I want to move on more than anything. And I have been given the oppritunity and I'm going to see where it takes me.

And besides, its probably safer for me to go out with someone I know rather than someone asking me out to dinner via myspace and there are no photos of himself. Thats a little un-nerving :-)

-Sam-

My Decision Part 2

Well, it was made for me when I received another email.

So I opened up one line of communication to explain one thing, and tell him I'm just not ready yet.

I am sad, but if he does really, genuinley need me, just tell me.

Thanks for reading peeps...

-Sam-

My Decision

Well I think I finally settled on keeping Pandora's Box closed. Even though it feels selfish sometimes it is the right thing to do.

He knows I love him...

He knows I'm thinking of him...

And he knows I'm praying for him...

That is the best I can do for now. Believe me when I say, its not easy.

-Sam-

The Email...

Ok, I know everyone is tired of hearing about the evil one... I'm tired of it too. But not to long ago I received a message from him. No words, just a few pictures I asked for even before I left Souda.

Now he is not one to forget things, no... he does things with a purpose, he is very deliberate. So I'm wondering what could possibly make him send me the photos now?

Some friends suggest he's making sure that he stays on my mind, only one said it might be because he simply forgot. Again, very deliberate person. There is a reason.

When I saw his name in my inbox I swear my heart stopped beating for a second, not out of excitment, but fear. Fear that this is going to set back any little bit of moving on progress I have made. Fear that this will make letting go of all my anger harder. Fear that I will fall for whatever he has to say.

But there were no words. I racked my brain trying to figure out why... why now? Why today? why? why? why?

Then I heard something did happen, and it is not my place to tell what it is so I won't go into further details.

Then it made sense, his reason was to open up the lines of communication but for a differant reason than the low one I had first thought of. He is hurting.

But now the question is do I respond? I have received overwhelming NO's, and I am leaning towards agreeing with them. This still feels like a game. If he needs me just say you want to talk to me... don't give me some round-about way of opening up communications again then drop a bomb on me! Just tell me!

It was very hard letting go of him. And it continues to be hard. In my goodbye email I literally had one of my best friend talk me through sending it. She was on the phone with me and said "put the arrow over the send button, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and push" And that was that.

Now I'm plagued with the decision to email or not to email. Do I do what is right by him and see how he is? Or do whats right by me and keep my healing sanity intact? I don't do things for myself very much, I think the 7 or 8 months of enduring his hurt, and push and pull attitude has done enough damage. But I still feel guilty and selfish for even thinking about choosing myself over his well-being. I have asked my mom and friends what to do, I have prayed for an answer. I'm very torn and very unsure how to proceed.

Is it best to keep Pandora's Box closed?

-Samantha-

Happy Easter!

What a wonderful day! Yes I wish I was still with my Souda Family at their Easter Sunrise Service but today was a great service, I feel so good and so loved.

I can't thank the people in Crete enough for gently guiding me along, and having patience with my education. And more importantly being great friends.

I don't have a lot to write about, my plans for today fell through. I was going to go to the Strawberry Festival

Nonsan is Korea’s largest strawberry producing region and in mid-April each year they hold a festival celebrating this tasty, vitamin C-laden fruit.Nonsan’s strawberries are thought to be some of the most delicious in Korea, and at the Nonsan strawberry festival, now in its 11th year, visitors can pick as many as their baskets, or stomachs, can hold. There are also plenty of original strawberry creations for visitors to sample, such as strawberry rice cakes and even strawberry hot sauce, as well as established treats like strawberry pancakes and strawberry jam. Other events include a strawberry exhibition and there are plenty of hands-on activities for visitors to try, such as baking a strawberry cake. With strawberries available at low prices during the festival, visitors will be able to take lots home with them. The festival includes a fireworks display and visitors should also pay a visit to Nonsan’s specialty market.

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So we are going next weekend. And photos will be released!

Have a Happy Easter! Folks in Crete, 7 hours behind me, have a great service! I miss you and love you!!

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-Sam-

Happy Birthday To Me!

My real birthday is in October, today (april 4) is my military birthday, 5 years... yeah me!

I just got in from Japan and I'm tired, so I'm going to shower and sleep, and I've got a lot to tell everyone! Fun stuff, talk to you soon!

-Sam-